


Everything I Didn't Say AU

by SunburntCoffee



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: 5 Seconds of Summer - Freeform, 5SOS - Freeform, Ashton Irwin - Freeform, Calum Hood - Freeform, Emotional, F/M, Fluff, Love, Luke Hemmings - Freeform, Michael Clifford - Freeform, Sad, Tears, any boy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-03
Updated: 2016-04-03
Packaged: 2018-05-30 23:38:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,838
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6446800
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SunburntCoffee/pseuds/SunburntCoffee
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes, the words we say are the reasons for the most important people in your life to stay away.</p><p>But he didn’t mean it.</p><p>He didn’t mean to let his sadness creep its way to his heart.<br/>He didn’t mean to stab her with words that were too harsh for this world to take.<br/>He didn’t mean to give her a hard time.<br/>He didn’t mean to push her so far away and into another man’s arms.<br/>He didn’t mean to…</p><p>He didn’t mean to.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Everything I Didn't Say AU

**Author's Note:**

> I came back with a new AU !! hope you all enjoyed this one !! :)

Sometimes, the words we say are the reasons for the most important people in your life to stay away.

But he didn’t mean it.

He didn’t mean to let his sadness creep its way to his heart.  
He didn’t mean to stab her with words that were too harsh for this world to take.  
He didn’t mean to give her a hard time.  
He didn’t mean to push her so far away and into another man’s arms.  
He didn’t mean to…

He didn’t mean to.

 

\--

His strong voice boomed throughout the house. She whimpered as pieces of glass hit the floor with one swing of his arm. She didn’t remember being so scared like this before. She didn’t remember him being like THIS before. She knew that he was sick. She knew he wasn’t able to pour out his heart as lovingly as he could’ve done. She knew that he was trying; he was trying to be the best he can be for her. He’s trying to be someone different; someone who would be able to take care of her. But he can’t. His harsh words were like knives as they were being thrown at her. How could anyone be so cruel without conscience? 

He couldn’t take it anymore. He felt as if she was the reason for the sadness he was feeling. He felt like she was the reason why he was going insane. He felt like she was the reason for the pain in his heart. He felt like she was the reason why he was so stressed out with everything. He didn’t want to believe it. He didn’t want to say it. But the words came out of him as if he was a canon, ready to explode.

“YOU! You… you—why? Why do you have to stay around and bring me under a lot of pressure? I-I’m trying to be someone for YOU! When really… I could just be me. Without wanting to change for a girl who doesn’t even try… try to—“ He started, his voice cracking at the end. This was it. This was what she was afraid to hear. “Try to what? Who doesn’t try to keep you on your feet? Who doesn’t try to cope with the sadness that is burning in your body? Who doesn’t try to understand why you couldn’t change? Who doesn’t try to love you at your worst?” She has had enough. She tried everything he thought she didn’t. For him, she stayed because she was obliged to. He didn’t know she stayed because even though he didn’t show that he loved her as much as she loved him; she knew that deep inside his heart… she had a place.

“I tried that all. Just to be with you. Just to keep you sane.” She responded, tears brimming around her eyes. “Just to make you love me.” She whispered as another sound of shattering glass made its way to her ears.  
His heart was filled with anger and sadness. His tone was cold and emotionless as he says the word that she was dreading to hear… “Leave.”

 

And so, she did. 

She left. 

 

Only after a few months prior did he realize how much of a mistake it was to make her leave. Ever since then, the record player played the same song over and over. The rooms were unmade. The glasses he broke were still on the floor and the hole in his heart stayed until he broke down. He broke down as he screamed for her to come back. He never realized what he had until he pushed it away. He pushed away the person who made him feel sane. He pushed her away because he thought the opposite. He didn’t want to call her; he didn’t want to miss her. But he did. 

With that, he got his typewriter out and poured out the things he should’ve said when they were in the same house together. When they were listening to The Beatles on the radio. When they were fighting. When he hurt her.  
He started it off with a quick hello. He ended it with a long goodbye.

 

She received the letter in her mail one day.  
She read the person’s name that sent it and she almost dropped it in shock.

She opened the letter with shaky fingers and ragged breaths. She wasn’t ready.

 

And as she read it, she gasped at the words he wrote. At how many things he could’ve told her personally.

 

“My dear,

It was never my job to hurt you. It was never my intention to push you away from me. I’m sick. I’m sick because of the things that I did to myself, not because of you. My job was to protect you. To hold you close, to kiss your lips, to wrap you in my arms, to lace my fingers with yours, to tangle our legs together as we slept, to sing you to sleep, to make you laugh, to make you smile, to make you feel as if nothing could ever make you happier and to make you feel beautiful. But what I did was the opposite. I made you sleep on the couch, I made you clean everything, I didn’t kiss you, I didn’t hold you in my arms like I was supposed to do. I made you feel worthless, ugly and stupid. I broke your heart as I broke everything in this house. I yelled at you. I verbally and physically abused you. And it was all because I have a sick mind. I have a sick heart. And I have the sickest thought of love. I thought you would stay through anything. I thought you were eventually going to be happy with me. But I knew you weren’t. I knew you were fed up. When I thought the problem was you, my mind went crazy with possibilities. It went crazy to the point that I asked you to leave. And it was the worst decision of my life. I’m not going to ask you to come back. I know you’re happy. I know you got the love you wished you got from me. I know he treats you right, whoever he is. I know he makes you laugh. I know he makes you smile. I know he protects you. I know he holds you close. I know he kisses your lips. I know he wraps you in his arms. I know he laces your fingers with his. I know he tangles your legs with his as you both sleep. I know he sings you to sleep. I know he makes you feel as if nothing could ever make you happier. And I know he caresses your cheeks, and looks you straight in the eyes as he tells you that you’re the most beautiful thing that ever happened to him. How do I know? Because even if I don’t know the man you are with, I know he’s treating you the way I was supposed to treat you. I know he’s treating you better that I ever could.

It’s crazy to think that I thought love was something you could find whilst hurting the person who kept up with you. I never noticed how insane I was until I made you leave. I made you walk out that door with tears streaming down your face. After that, my cheeks were stained with my own. I want to tell you something. I want you to know this before this letter ends.

Remember when I told you that I would marry you at the diner we met at in 1962? I planned it all out. I sketched what the ring would look like on your finger. I imagined the wedding as a perfect summer’s day with smiles on our faces. But you never knew I had that in mind because you never felt love from me in any way.

When you were beside me, I took you for granted. I pushed you away. And now that you’re gone, I regret not holding you in my arms. Tell him, the man that is probably head-over-heels for you, that the girl who he holds every night is worth the universe. The girl he sings to sleep is the same girl that cried when she was with me. She is also the same girl that I loved but wished I never did. Why? Because if I didn’t love her, there wouldn’t be any scars on her heart and pain in her body. 

I tried so hard, darling. I did. I tried so hard to the point that I thought I was trying for nothing anymore, that you were just pressuring me. But believe me when I say that I didn’t mean it. I didn’t mean to blame you. When I shouted at you with anger, I couldn’t control myself. I didn’t want you to leave but I made you. 

Look up to the sky, my love. I’m right there as you read this. I’m begging God to watch over you as the man you love right now sings you the most beautiful John Lennon song. My sickness grew all over my body. And I knew what it was. It was fear. Fear crept all over me and I couldn’t take it. I feared that I would hurt so many people as I’ve hurt you. 

I’ve only seen you smile once throughout our relationship of 8 years. Would you look at that? 8 years of you in pain because of me. 8 years of fear winning the battle. 8 years of me hating myself for hating you. 8 years of me not saying the things that I should’ve said.  
I thought the world was a living hell. But I was wrong.  
Heaven was a place on Earth. And it was with you.

I apologize for the wrong marks I put on your body. I apologize for the pain. I apologize that I promised you a wonderful life with me. I apologize for breaking that promise.  
If I wasn’t there for you whilst I was still here on Earth, I’m here for you now.  
A star will be shining bright for you every night from now on, look up and talk to it. Why?  
I’m that star, my darling. I’ll be watching you from above and making sure you will never be treated the same way as I treated you.

I lost the battle.  
I lost you.  
In which, I lost myself. 

You are one hell of a woman, but you are the best thing that ever happened to me. 

‘Though I know I’ll never lose affection for people and things that went before, I know I’ll often stop and think about them. In my life, I love you more.’

These words were everything I didn’t say. There are 3 more that mean the most.

 

I  
LOVE  
YOU.

Farewell for now, my love. We’ll see each other again soon.

Yours truly,

________.”

 

He was gone…

 

He was gone.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry if i broke your heart :( love y'all x


End file.
